2017 Draft Recap Video
Winners and Losers- Week 3
Since my team is complete and utter shit, please get used to reviews from me as I don’t predict a win this year for myself.
Anyways, this week’s review will consist of how I would classify each winner and loser in Mazza this past week.
Sharari= Lenny from Shark Tale
He came up awfully short of a win this week and posted the second fewest points. Lenny was known to be less of a shark and more of a minnow in the major motion picture, Shark Tale. Such characteristics were exemplified by Sharari this week. His team looked weak in a battle that he needed badly.
Al Sav- Nelson Muntz
So you think you’re a tough guy? Picking on the hazit case? Al had what some would call a lucky draw that he got to face me this week. I should learn that my trash talking on Shabbat never works out to my benefit. I still don’t have high hope for his team, but hey, hes got another win under his belt vs. me.
Charles- Kim Kardashian
Like standing for the anthem, hating Kim Kardashian is an American Pastime. Naturally we all hate Charles for his cocky demeanor and bothersome comments and none of us are happier than when he loses. Just like Kim lost her ring in Europe and the world made a big deal over it, Charles lost to Dag this week. Commish, thank you for laying the smack down on him this week.
Dag- Marv Levy
Marv Levy, the former Bills head coach who led them to 4 straight Super Bowl appearances only to lose all of them. Dagmy, the man whos team is always in it and ROLLING, but can’t close. He is reminding me of this Bills team in its entirety, but I think we all want the commish to close this year. His team is STRONG. But history is not on his side…
Mo Kass- Meredith Palmer
What more can I say. I’m Meredith. Why? I could have picked a bunch of other losers, but this dates back to the Christmas Party episode when Meredith picks the teapot over the iPod. Yes. Bad drafting by Meredith. Bad Drafting is what put me in this compromising position. Unlike Meredith, I don’t like the feeling of getting F%*&ked in the @$$.
Moses- Henrik Lundqvist
This is an interesting one. Despite their common devilish handsomeness, the key comparison here is that despite their best efforts, they happen to always come up short. Naturally, we all want Hank and Moses to get the Win they deserve, but for Mose, it seems unlikely this year.
Stan- The Guy in Super Smash Bros with the Hammer
You wanted to avoid him this week just like you want to avoid the guy with the hammer. Had the best draft to start and looking like his team is living up to it. Stan is poised for a deep run this year.
Moshal- Robert Baratheon
The Usurper of the Mad King’s crown was defeated this week but nothing more than a boar in Dukes team. This is one might boar though. Moshal’s team is pointing upward with lots of potential.
Ezra- George Costanza
C ’mon. We all thought it after the draft. We were screwed when the Elliott news came out. Ez had it in the bag. It was the Summer of Ez… Low and behold, Ezra sits 0-3 and what was will probably never be. Ezra just can’t get it right can he.
Yossi- Bill Cosby
We all know about Yossi’s comedic prowess, but he must have dropped something in to Sharari’s Team’s drink this week. You wined, dined and swooned him and BANG. Beat down HARD. Nice statement win for Yos.
Duke- Aaron Judge
The man is just putting a hurt on people. 3-0 with no signs of stopping. I was a recipient of the beating this year and I’ll tell you it ain’t fun. Riding Sharari’s boy, um, I mean Duke’s Boy Aaron Rodgers. He’s Trucking along. Just get out of his way.
Nimo- President Donald Trump
Nimo, just like everyone else, couldn’t believe he won this week. Not only did he win, he won BIGLY. Taking home the weekly winner with a huge score. One week at a time, Nimo is Making Mazza Great Again!
— Morris Kassin (Week 3, 2017)
Well, I was hoping I wouldn’t be doing this this early in the season, but I imagine this being Gd’s sense of humor. You should probably stop reading this now cause this might just be a diary entry on my sorry ass team. Na, I’m sure Chris Carson will be a good replacement for David Johnson. No Olson, no problem. I got Evan Engram baby. I am going to skip recapping my match with Sharari because that wasn’t really much of a matchup. All Shark’s team had to do was put numbers up. I mean Blount got 0.50 – plenty. Good job man.
Diggity (131.27) VS Niggity (100.40)
Dag gets the nice win here. Makes him 2-0!!! Ya baby!!! Must feel nice, kind of the like how Mets fans felt when they started getting good pitching and roster that could back em up. That didn’t last too long. Hopefully you fare better Dag. I like your team a lot, your only weak spot is your TE. Nimo is sticking to the status quo, not doing anything amazing. Although, I do think you’ll do better this year than last.
Yos Man (113.94) VS Peyton (98.34)
I mean this isn’t the pretties win, but a win is a win is a win. I am not worried about Moses being 0-2 (don’t worry Moses – this is as much consoling as I’ll do). Why am I not worried? because I’m 0-2 and I don’t give a shit you hear me???? No but seriously, I think you’ll be fine. This was a good matchup, was expecting it to be a bit more exciting.
Moshal (148) VS Stannis (130.97)
Well this one was a goodin. Moshal knows how to draft his RBs. They pretty much won it for him. Both team put up some duds, but that seems a lot a more common this season than in the past. Unfortunately for all of us Moshal won again (and got weekly points guy). Haj Moshal. Well Stan will probably get the win week 3, so something for him to look to.
Chuck (133.27) VS MoKass (122.27)
TheHated 2.0 gets the win over the lovable rook. League morale is trending down. WTF is going???? Jesus. No Jordy, okay he has Evans Hyde and Ty. I mean, Mo, if you started Javorious or however you spell it you woulda won, but they that’s Fantasy – or lack therof. Hopefully you get the win against the BIL Week 3. I’ll pray for you this RH.
Al Sav (108.36) VS Duke (123.30)
Duke gets the easy (sorry Al, I was much easier though) win against our brochie (@Moshal, is this a thing? Bro+rochie). Duke’s reliable Crabtree was the team leader. Looks like Golladay was a one week show. Duke made an enticing trade to me for him (not). Duke starts the season 2-0, how I envy you and the rest of you 2-0 folk. Can I trade players and faab for a W?
—- Ezra Shiram (Week 2, 2017)
Week 1 is in the books! Rookie breakout performances and injuries galore, we had one very interesting and eventful week. Here’s this week’s matchup breakdown.
Duke vs Mokass
I didn’t have much faith going in to this week, as my confidence in my team was never high to begin with. I was hoping to be a middle of the pack team, but, man, was this week a rude awakening. A total combined 10.10 points from 3 wide receivers, 3 players going down to season-threatening injury (Robinson-ACL, Woodhead-Hammy, Sturgis-that time of the month) and weak QB play doomed my team by 2:00 PM on Sunday.
Duke was able to coast to victory here without riding the coattails of his top picks. Rodgers submitted a subpar performance (16.47) and Brandin Cooks (10.30) was below projection as well. Jordan Howard, Duke’s second round pick, put up 14.10 points, but whispers of rookie Jew boy, Tarik Cohen may prove scary.
Duke takes this week 1 win to the bank and looks forward to next week when he faces Al Sav.
Mokass faces Charles. I’m not very happy about my prospects here as Wape may commence but for the wrong side.
Dagmy vs. Sharari
This one had the making of an epic matchup prior to Hurricane Irma. Big RBs, big pass catchers. Unfortunately, the Bucs/Phins game would need to be moved to Week 11 and we would not see Ajayi this week. Odell Beckham’s status was up in the air all week and as Irma drew closer to the coast, Beckham’s condition worsened. He was ruled out for Sunday nights tilt vs. the Cowboys and just like that, big point getters were gone.
Have no fear, these two teams would not let you down. A back and forth match all day long. Gillislee gave Dag a big edge on Thursday with 3 scores and Kelce putting up a dud of a night. McCoy roared and willed his team back in to the fight with a big outing of 21.40 points, but this was only matched by a basically no named tight end in Austin Hooper (21.80).
The matchup was neck and neck until Monday night where the score held at 115.33 to 107.00 in favor of Dagmy. This 7.33 lead with 4 players yet to play (M. Thomas, D. Thomas, Gates, Min DST) was able to hold off Sharari’s 1 player (P. Rivers) and cruise to a 136.23-123.40 victory. Dagmy moves to 1-0 with the victory.
Sharari will face Ezra next week. Sure to be a slobberknocker.
Dag faces off against Nimo. Should be a memorable matchup as these always are.
Nimo vs. Moses
Lots of anticipation going in to this one. We have the GOAT Tim Brady vs. The Beast Marshawn Lynch. Both aged to perfection.
Going in to Sunday, Nimo held a lead that we thought wouldn’t hold very long. Brady (8.90) and the NE DST (1.00) underperformed, but it was salvaged by an outstanding performance by Tyreek Hill (25.30). His lead held strong until Sunday night, when Moses strung together 25.90 points from Witten, Shepard and NYG defense. But Nimo had 2 players left, Adrian Peterson and Wil Lutz. The unlikely hero proved to be the latter with a 13-point performance propelling him to the 7-point victory 109.30-102.57.
Nimo faces Dagmy this week after a sweet win and Moses tries to redeem himself against Yos.
Moshal vs. Al Sav
This one was over before it began. Kareem Hunt went ape shit on the New England Patriots on Thursday night and Moshal never looked back. Big outings by AB, Sam Bradford and Pittsburgh defense, put Al Sav in the record books. This week’s matchup between Al Sav and Moshal was the biggest margin of victory in MAZZA history. Put it in the bank for the reigning MAZZA league champion.
Al Sav’s outing was not great, but there were some bright spots. Melvin Gordon reached pay dirt once and Fitz and Cobb are getting targets they need to be effective. His issue is no QB play. Mike Glennon scored more points than Flacco and Hoyer combined.
Al will play Duke next week and Moshal will face Stan.
Stan vs. Yos
Yos went in to this week 6-0 against Stan, lifetime. Stan wasn’t prepared to let that stand. Stanley had one of the stronger teams going in to week 1 and he flexed his muscles against Yos. Without even using LeVeon Bell or Rob Gronkowski’s best efforts, he came away with a nice win.
Yos was victim of very poor QB play and poor efforts from Julio Jones and Dez Bryant. With all this being said, he was within striking distance on Monday night. Down 6.64 points with Ingram and Fleener going up against Diggs, D. Cook and Denver.
Stan closed out Monday night with a clean win with booming perfomances by Diggs and Cook on a Minnesota team that looks really good to start the year.
Stan will play Champion Moshal this week and Yos will square off with Moses.
Ezra vs. Charles
This was the most entertaining matchup in what was a rather lackluster week. Ezra’s big running backs versus Chucks strong WR core. The big notable scorers were none other than defenses! Ezra racked up 28 points with LA Rams defense and Chuck got 25 from Baltimore. Ezra’s QB play was top notch with Alex Smith blowing away his projection with 30.57 points throwing for 4 touchdowns.
Chuck was able to eke out a victory here riding the back of Mariota (17.13), Jordy (17.40) and Ty Montgomery (17.30) by mere percentage points, 128.83-128.00.
Chuck goes to Rahway, NJ to face off against a depleted Mokass squad. The curse of the Wape may be at its breaking point.
Ezra will face Sharari in a big matchup of two top scoring teams this past week.
— Morris Kassin (Week 1, 2017)